A Tale of Two Days

This weekend I had the pleasure of going to Jinan, the largest city in Shandong Province, in order to take a standardized test. Loads of fun. I generally enjoy going to the big cities though because in some ways it can be soothing. When you are in a large city you don't have to deal with nearly as many stares or ridiculous questions about my personal life. Big cities also actually sell western food, and it is a telling sign of how little western food I get here that Pizza Hut has become a delicacy(Great side note, The Chinese name for a meat lovers pizza when directly translated to English can be said as "Aromatic Meat Deserves Respect!" Can't argue with that one)

The funny thing about going to a large city in order to find some sanity is how f%$#ing crazy big cities are. At least in a small town the annoyances you deal with generally only come from innocent ignorance. In a big city you have to deal with bonafide freak shows and D-bags who are smarter than you. After finishing my test I was riding high, and went to a western restaurant for some lasagna and a Beamish Stout, which was wonderful. Upon completion ofthe meal I decided to walk around a bit, do a little shopping before I took a bus home. Walking down the I was pulled over by a honking woman in a car screaming hello at me. I told her I was busy and had to go, a little freaked by the situation, but she made it clear to me that my first impression of her was mistaken by yelling at me "nooo! I just want talk!!" So I went up to her window and warmly told her that I was sorry but I don't speak English, being from Spain and all. I often have to lie to people about my country of origin in order to get into a situation where people might actually use Chinese to communicate with me in China. She lost interest in me quickly since she was looking for an English speaker to teach at their school. She was using a fantastic method of employee recruitment that I have become quite familiar with over my time here. Its as simple as it is subtle, you stop random white guys/girls on the street, tell them that they are handsome/beautiful, say you want to be their friend, and then say that you think you would be a great teacher for their school. I've got to wonder about that tactics efficiency rating.

So I was a little concerned as it seemed even in the big city I was not going to be able to reach an acceptable level of anonymity, and just as I turned the corner, the music stopped... and there she was. Her luscious red and yellow facade, that oh so sweet aroma filling my senses with pleasure... yes it was Pizza Hut. A new one, that I hadn't been to before. As I began cursing myself for having wasted my appetite on the Lasagna a little earlier, I began to become aware of someone yelling hello. I wasn't going to let that bastard ruin my moment and kept on admiring the glowing letters of the sign, and the happy families inside enjoying... a stuffed crust perhaps... maybe a personal pan with seasoned curly fries??

BAM! I was awoken from my trance by an irritated woman wearing a ridiculous hat slapping me on the shoulder and screaming HALUO!! at me. I was stunned and more than a little pissed and turned on the old lady yelling at her asking her why the hell she wanted to hit me. She was a little taken a back by me speaking Chinese, but then regained her composure to begin screaming at me in an unearthly language " Hala wit za te chu faw dedid la!", and I was then able to notice that she had a total of about 6 teeth in her mouth and was completely insane. So I quietly moved on.

The whole day in the city of Jinan I was approached by 8 people, not one of which had any interest in speaking Chinese with me, this even including service people at restaurants, hotels, and bookstores. If I made an attempt at speaking Chinese with them they would have two methods of deflection, one being responding to me in English, "you Chinese is very good" and then continuing on in broken English, the second snickering at me like I'm a little bit adorable, al little bit stupid, and then clearing up the situation for me by saying, "I speak English." Thanks. It drives me crazy, am I in China or what?

After being frightened, insulted, and stripped of confidence on the tough streets of Jinan I returned to the friendly confines of Zaozhuang, quickly made my way home and went to sleep. Day 2 turned out to be an entirely different day than the first.

I was awoken at 8 AM by my drivers in order to be ecorted to the "new city" of Zaozhuang, which has been constructed through massive gonvermental corruption funneling huge amounts of public funds into the construction of a beautiful new area where only high ranking officals live. I was taking here because it was determined that I had all the qualifications to become one of the three special hosts for a televised party marking the opening ceremony for not only the much hailed Pomegranate Festival, but also an International Trade Fair. After a grueling selection process, which included them calling up my bosses and saying, find us a foreigner, they decided that I was indeed foreign enough to settle in alongside local broadcasting greats Li Zheng, and Huang Jie(Li Zheng is alright, Huang Jie I might end up punching in the face while on stage).

I discover the whole script is in Chinese and the party will be performed not only on live television, but also in front of theater with a capacity of over 1000 people, all of whom will be city leaders and possible investors from other areas of China and other countries. I spent the day hanging out with various crusty leader men, none of whom do I remember the name of, as we talked of love for the Olympics and pledged our friendship over a flurry of Ganbei's(since we couldn't get drunk because of afternoon commitments we clearly drank beer instead of wine, for as we all know, beer does not have the ability to impair the senses).

So this coming Friday is my big break. If I don't blow it I will become a somewhat well known host of parties on one of the television stations in the smallest city in Shandong Province, which is only marginally popular even in the city itself. Can you feel the excitement?! From the depressing madness of Jinan to the glory of fake celebrity, I am glad the weekend is over. Hopefully the party won't turn into a fiasco, regardless I will be taking pictures of the events and recording it all here next weekend.