My Big Break

Monday has rolled around and we are back to work, the vacation coming to a close. While I hear the fun stories of other people and their relaxing vacations with family, or their exciting vacations travelling to other cities, I am left reflecting on yet another vacation filled with unfulfilled goals and diarrhea. On the brighter side of things, however, I did manage to save some money, and diarrhea is a great way to lose some of those pesky pounds before a big show. Speaking of which....


Over the vacation I was casually watching television one night in my apartment when this scene unexpectedly occured...

That's right, it is official, I am huge in Zaozhuang(and for those of you wondering, I am not completely naked watching TV in this video, I did have pants on). Incidentally the handsome man for those wondering was Li Zheng, host of the local nightly news, and owner of a sweet glitter covered purple suit(and white one to match, mid-show wardrobe change!). Over the vacation this show was broadcast a total of four times, and I am totally certain that at least 17 people in the city of Zaozhuang might have seen it over the four days. The ball is rolling.

There were a few hilarious things about this party. One was how seriously everyone was taking it. That actually rubbed off on me and I ended up getting pretty nervous before starting. Another thing was the clothing. Look at the outfit I am wearing, could I look any more like a huge tourist deuschebag? The funny thing was, the leaders of the show loved it!! After the show they complimented the guys in charge of selecting my wardrobe, saying that my clothes looked genuinely foreign. I had to congratulate myself for allowing myself to become another foreigner on television who goes onto TV in order to try and teach people about foreign cultures,and ends up doing more to cement traditional stereotypes than help foster multi-cultural learning. It's hard when a few crusty leaders are in charge of everything that gets put on TV.

The way that my clothers were selected? Well they called me the day before and told me to bring my own clothes. When I asked the other hosts what they would wear they said a white and purple suit. I thought about wearing a suit, but then thought better of it, and decided to wear a maroon collar shirt and black pants. Somewhat formal, but not too formal, and nothing to stand out too much. When I arrived I thought I looked good, and immediately discovered I didn't by the reactions of "is that what you want to wear?” that I received from everyone. They kept saying a word about my clothes that I didn't understand, and finally I told my boy Li Zheng and the script writer to come over to my house at lunch and help me choose my clothes. As we were leaving I finally asked to see what the two other hosts would be wearing, and at that point understood the word that they had been saying to me for the past 30 minutes. They had been saying that my clothes would "suck the light" meaning that the colors were too drab. At parties the Chinese hosts like to wear pretty flamboyant outfits, as I discovered when my cohosts pulled out their purple and white glittered covered suits that made them look, to me at least, like a pretty pretty princess doll and a villain from Batman.

The dudes came over, talked about how cool my pad was (it is pretty sweet bro, no doubt), looked through pictures of me and my family, and then started to look over my clothes, to which all they had to say was, "Too dark, too dark, too dark, why do you wear old man clothes??" I had not been aware that I wear old man clothes, but luckily they found something they liked in the form of the bright orange Steve Nash jersey that I have(Thanks Biddle). I put it on and they were like, "Nice... very foreign," But apparently the outfit was not foreign enough, for they found the button down color shirt that I am wearing in the video in the closet too, covered in yellow. I put it on, they loved it, and then they asked me,(and this is literally the dialogue we had back and forth)

"what do you think?"

"I think I look ridiculous." I responded and they laughed hard, slapped me on the shoulder, lead me to the door and said,

"Let's go!!" What can I say, they know how to convince a man.

The dialogue that I had to say was hilarious too, I'll give you a little taste of it by viewing one of the parts that I did in English here, but I was basically selling the city I live in to Chinese and foreign investors. A city that I have lived in for all of 3 months. (Listen for the music if you can, really fitting for the occasion, at any moment Li Zheng and I are about to get into a Light Saber duel)

It wasn't all bright clothing, great lines, and good times though, I did have to suffer a bit, as back stage, while the dancing and singing performances took place I was mercilessly left to fend for myself amongst a hive of frenzied children. These children...

I dont know who that guy playing the instrument is, but the instrument is pretty interesting. It is a saw played against a stringed instrument in order to immitate the sounds of animals. Really interesting to hear, I'll have to remember what it is called, I have forgotten the name.

Anyway, I had been playing cat and mouse with these little girls all day, since we been rehearsing repeatedly since 8 am in the morning (healthy method). They were curious about me, constantly looking over at me and giggling, but at first a little frightened by my mysterious presence. But by nightfall the little demons powers had reached their zenith, while my white boy mystery powers had all but evaporated. After I made it through my first set, I was tired and tried to sit down, but one little girl mustered up her courage and came up to me and, from a safe retreating distance, asked where I was from. It was all over from there. I told her, in chinese, and then a couple of her friends joined her and they moved closer, showing their fangs in the gesture that some confuse for a grin. They began to hit me with a barrage of questions about why I was such a monster.

"What's your name?"

"John" to this response they laugh and run away and grab more friends.

"What's your Chinese name?"

"I don't have one, I like my name."

"Guo Li is American and he has a Chinese name"

"really? wow!" and then at this point they have me surrounded, there is about ten small children covered in glitter and make-up all around me and one starts to stroke my arm,

"wow, look at all the fur he has!" (human body hair and animal fur are the same word in Chinese)

"Oh, so much fur!" I'd like to point out that also at this point there are also a number of full grown adults standing around watching this whole situation with a grin on their face like it is the most adorable thing they have ever seen.

I try to make light of the situation "well, I was born in 1980, so I'm a monkey(Chinese Zodiac), so of course I have alot of hair!"

"Oh my god, why don't you shave it off?" they are examining me and stroking my fur as though they are contemplating whether or not I am delicious enough to eat, meanwhile the adults are laughing hysterically.

I laugh nervously and say,"Why would I want to shave it, hehe?"

A clapping noise breaks the spell of the moment and I hear the voice of the script writer, who I can only assume repelled down from the ceiling, saying, "Children away from him, he has to go on stage soon!" The children and adults alike all scatter with grins and chuckles, and thus I was saved by Lu Yi Chi, who told me I could call him Lewis. And so to the stage for the last set!

and that put a wrap on this most formal of parties. The full impact of my big break remains to be seen, but rest assured I am now a household name in tens of houses in Zaozhuang!