Happy Halloween！

Here we are, partying our faces off!! This is the party table at the front, serving water of course, like all sick parties do, gotta stay hydrated!


Halloween has come and gone, and as I look over facebook and see all of the pictures from American Halloween (I think that there is like a 700 percent increase in picture posting the weekend of halloween, unreal) I gotta say that despite the fun of an American Halloween, I am glad that this year I was in the People's Republic. Halloween might not be a traditional Chinese holiday, but they are learning how to perfect it with just the right combination of song, rollerskating, and forced interaction to make the holiday special. Our party was off the f--in' hook, as shown by the picture above that shows us getting warmed up for the hardcore partying that would occur. First let's take a trip through all of the craziest costumes that I saw on the evening to get an idea of the scene.

Joe and Carolyn, two of the other foreign teachers dressed up in some classic outfits that they brought back from the US. Can you guess my outfit? I'll let you know in a bit. This picture was taken during a 15 minute savage photo shoot when we first arrived in which we were surrounded by people, the ones behind watching, and the ones in front snapping. You can see how the person who took this picture couldn't help but get a piece of another person they were closely pressed up against to the right of them. I was getting majorly fidgety and frustrated during this session as I was feeling likely a mixture between a member of 98 Degrees, and King Kong.



Here is a costume that is more on par with what we saw for the evening:
Trannies

And that was about it. No one was dressed up, they just came to party and take pictures of other people dressed up. I had multiple people ask me why I didn't dress up, I responded that I had, and they didn't believe me, because to them a costume needs a mask. One girl even came up to me with a ghost mask and asked me if I wanted it, as though I would feel out of the loop if I didn't dress up.

And suddenly, the party began. Some boys from the Bio department decided to whiz in and show the English majors (90% girls) what studying life science is all about, with this, the first performance...





I never knew being a bio major was so f--in' hot!! Following these guys there were a few more standard party performances. One was a couple of girls singing an English song. Another was a group of 'bladers rollerblading to techno, which sounds a lot more awesome than it was. Before I knew it I was up. I knew I had to sing a song for the party, so I needed to choose a music star to be my costume. I wracked my brain to come up with a suitable singer/musician that could be a suitable representation for the whole of western music, and western culture in general, and finally only one name came to mind, that man is clearly Michael Bolton: (special thanks to the Nichol's and Beal Juke Box, without which I would have never remembered this beautiful little diddy)



Separated at birth?? To Chinese vieweres we look remarkably alike, which is sweet. Actually I only decided to be late 90's Bolton when my original plan of being flowing locks Bolton failed horribly as seen below...

Now lets take a listen of what transpired...




Funny thing about singing Michael Bolton in front of a huge gymnasium full of people is that it is a lot different than singing Michael Bolton alone in your apartment. Alone in your apartment you might be able to kid yourself into thinking that you have the heat, the passion, that steely glint in your eye to pull off a funny Bolton imitation. I got out there ready to blow everyone away and realized almost immediately that my voice had no where near enough bold sexuality to handle Bolton's song... maybe if I had worn the glittering wig. I even scared the living daylights out of that poor girl who kept bringing out the ballons to me (Which I just kept tossing up in the air as I became inebriated with the power of Bolton's rock. ) when I made my valiant attempt at imitating Bolton's end of song falsetto. That noise ended up sounding a lot more like one of the cackles you hear coming out of a cheesey haunted house around Halloween, so at least I hit the venue right. Though my version couldn't reach the levels of the true Bolton, I still managed to set a cuttingly sexy mood that made more than one student uncomfortable, a mood that had everyone wishing they were wearing masks and dancing ballroom style right before a huge orgy, like in "Eyes Wide Shut." And then, this happened...




This is Helen. If you have read this blog before you might already know her for her killer panda jokes. Helen is the fourth English speaking foreign teacher at our school, she is nearly seventy years old, refuses to talk with me (even when I say hello to her while passing her on the street and looking her in the eye), and has a penchant for booze(and like a good friend of mine once said, there is nothing hotter than older ladies who love to booze). Before this performance she indulged in a few, as I could smell it on her breath when she was sitting next to me at the party table. You can't quite catch the first thing she said when she went riding out on the broom, but it was"I am a Canadian Witch!"(dead serious) At which point I had to fight to stifle my laughter.

We made it through the games that she taught them how to play, and then it came time in the program for what was known as "Social Dancing," or directly translated from Chinese "Make friends dancing." I saw this on the program and immediately knew that it would be when I would have to make my exit. I knew that it would end up being a situation where the leaders would try to get everyone involved, and that no one would want to be involved, and it would turn into a huge awkward fest in which they would turn to the foreign teachers for dancing partners. But being the hard-nosed reporter that I am I stuck through the beginning of the Social Dancing to be able to document it, and see what it really was. It began in this fashion. The two MC's started telling everyone to dance, which of course, no one did. Then they put people on stage to dance and had students sing. The first few songs were like this...



Fun or what?! Then after about three songs they decided to turn down the lights, switch to R&B and get the party back to the mood it was in right after Bolton rocked everyone to the point they wanted to take off their outer-most layer of clothing. The leaders of the party kept sending freshman students out into the crowd to dance amongst them to force people into the mood. The MC's continued to yell at people to dance. Students kept coming up to me and asking me "why aren't you dancing?" "Why aren't you talking with people?" to the point that I finally made my famous claim that I make at all parties, that I was "very tired." and made my way to the bathroom before gracefully sneaking out the back door. But before I left all of the harrassment had become successful, some students left, but those that stayed were in freak mode by the end...


What did I say before about "Eyes Wide Shut?!" Needless to say that 5 minutes later, while I was making my way home in the cold, dark night, the group sex began.... and another successful Halloween is in the books